This topic is an interesting one. Most people will find this a little uncomfortable but let’s get right into it. Firstly, this topic came up because a friend posed the question on his podcast show of “who does a man love the most?”, the person he lies to or the person that he tells the truth to.
Now of course, I can’t answer for anyone but I can simply share the response I got from my personal survey which I received over 500 responses. So without further adieu, the overall response was
26% Say he loves the person he tells the truth to
74% Say he loves the one he lies to
Now the rationale for the responses……………………………….
The vast majority say he loves the person he lies to. He cares enough about her feelings , and her. He does not want to hurt her. He would much rather be untruthful with the one he loves and he does not want to mess up anything with her. He may have time invested, children, and finances but he has an overall commitment that he wants to keep at the moment.
The person who he lies to is quote on quote the “sidechick” or “mistress”. He is more honest and truthful with her cause he does not really care what she knows. She more than likely is fully aware of his other relationship and she has settled for it. Anyone who knowingly is aware has simply set themselves up for whatever the end result is. Whatever they may be! He could very well leave his relationship to be with you, and you could live happily ever after. He could also say that he made a mistake, and he want to be with his wife. Then theres the saying “ You lose him how you get him” this simply means that what if he does the same thing to you in 10 years with another woman?
Now, In my personal opinion men who have their mind made up and are fully aware of what they want in life don’t entertain the thought of having a side chick or mistress. There are plenty of men who can easily mislead women into believing that they are not married when in fact they really are. We all know this can happen with both genders and not just men. So, in reality a person who fully understands what they want and need in a relationship won’t have these types or problems. But hey it’s an issue that exists, so we are gonna just have the conversation about it.
If you are a wife or girlfriend and have a increasing suspicion that you husband may be unfaithful then it is perfectly fine to simply ask. There is nothing that is more stressful than playing private detective and trying to find out this information for yourself. Now, you know the type of boyfriend or husband that you have, and you already know rather he will be truthful in his response.
So, depending on what type of spouse you have then you may need additional support.
If you want to know a few of my favorite sites check out these tell tale signs of cheating in these articles below.
If you are the wife or the girlfriend and you have been dealing with an unfaithful spouse then let me remind you of your worth. It’s not about how long you have been together or how many children you have. It is about making sure that you have internal happiness. Now as a therapist, I am a firm believer in change. I believe in the process of change and that anyone willing and able can change if they choose to.
So, the saying that “once a cheater is always a cheater” is not necessarily true in my opinion. However, make sure that you are happy in your relationships and you are equally putting into your relationship what is needed to maintain it. I’ve talked about the Gottman’s before in a previous post and you can find out more about them here. They are truly the Gurus of marriage, and as a girlfriend you can still use their material as they talk about preparation and marriage as well.
Maybe you are knowingly a side chick or mistress then you also know your worth. Maybe you were misled by him or maybe you are fully aware that he is in another relationship. Either way wouldn’t it be nice to have something that is totally yours. Someone who is readily available at your beck and call. Someone you don’t have to share him with. You’re not a bad person just because this happened. You won’t be a bad person after either. You just may be a very sad one, who may not like the end result. You have to ask yourself. If he is truthful with me he will truly confess his intentions with you.
If a man/woman puts their spouse through situations like cheating I say they love themselves a little more than what they may have confessed to you. Cheating is a very selfish thing to do but there is also a reason for doing so. Subscribe for the newsletter to get up to date information on my survey reasons for cheating.