So, your thinking about possibly dating! Or you may or know someone who is suffering from mental illness!  Have you begun to think rather or not you should engage in a relationship?  Perhaps you may think your not even deserving of a relationship.

 Heck you may even say that my mental illness is too much and I couldn’t possibly be in a relationship. 

Well…. the truth is, you can! YOU….. can be in a perfectly healthy relationship with someone!

Of course, just like any good relationship, it will require patience, understanding, communication, and dedication. 

I have outlined a few things that I feel are important when debating if a relationship is right for you.

1. Take care of yourself first! That’s why people always use the phrase “you can’t love someone else if you don’t first love yourself” because while we can care for others, and love them, if we don’t put ourselves first, that love and care isn’t coming from a healthy or secure place. You may find it very difficult to still remain attentive in the relationship if you find yourself needing more for yourself.  When you feel overwhelmed or needy be sure to have a conversation with your partner about your needs as well. 

Mental Illness is one of those things that others can not always see. Some symptoms may not always be apparent, and your spouse will often assume that everything is okay.  Have conversations with your spouse frequently when you are feeling great and even when you are not so great.  Doing so will help prevent unnecessary arguments.  All relationships will have its challenges but if you can keep the peace  by  being sensitive to the needs of others ….why not try! 

2. Process through your past! 

We can inadvertently use this relationship to try and work through our own struggles instead of taking the time to figure out what’s upsetting us.  We could also use it as a scapegoat and avoid our own problems. Let me say it again…. process through YOUR past, and try to act in a more healthy way. It’s normal to have bad habits in relationships – we all were raised, and adopted some bad habits overtime. This could be not talking openly about how we feel (most of us can relate to that), or we could have come from a home with addiction, so we struggle with enabling/codependent behavior, or we could have come from a home where we yelled and fought about everything whether we were even really upset. Whatever the behavior, it takes time outside of a relationship to figure it out and work to act in a more healthy and happy way. If we just jump from one relationship to another we are never forced to be alone with ourselves, our thoughts, our behaviors, and really work on them. 

There are several ways to work through your past.  You can see a therapist and learn more things about yourself and how to cope.  Your therapist would be happy to share more ways that you could explore processing through your past. Another way could be just really getting to know yourself and begin to deal with some past skeletons.  Dealing with skeletons alone is never easy so put yourself up for the challenge. Opt to get some help so you can be fully prepared.

3. Giving yourself “ME” time & Healthy boundaries – 

You shouldn’t ever be at someone’s beck and call. Make time for yourself, your friends, and your hobbies.  Being readily available to someone else is not a healthy choice.  The more you give…..naturally most people would expect more from you. When managing your mental illness it will take a great deal of your time to learn more about triggers, coping skills, perhaps medications, and things that could possibly directly affect you. 

Teach them or have them teach you about their illness and seek to fully understand. If you actually take the time to learn more about your partner it can work wonders in your relationship.  It will allow your partner to understand exactly what you are going through. The more they know about your illness the more they will be able to help identify your triggers. They may also be able to monitor behaviors and moods associated with your mental illness (for example if you are bipolar you would want them to know that one of the symptoms could be mania). 

5. GO SLOW!!!!!!

 Give yourself time to get to know someone, ensure they are trustworthy, and let them in a little. Moving too fast can leave you feeling more vulnerable than you might want.  In most cases people with mental illness can often be taken advantage of and be a target for many things. Make sure you take your time, because any relationship worth having will slowly grow and develop over time.  It will be important to outline your values and make sure that your partners values align with yours as well.  You of course would want to find the right person to date bases on your beliefs and values.

A healthy life is about keeping things in balance. I believe that personal boundaries are at the core of being happy.  

Below are 5 things to consider when treating others properly.

 Step 1: Notice when we reinforce the bad behavior of others.  If someone is doing something that is not healthy.  Be sure to hold them accountable for their actions.  Bad behavior shouldn’t be encouraged and accept the same from your partner. 

Step 2: Recognizing that we have the right to walk away from others- Don’t get upset when someone doesn’t want to talk at the moment. They may figure that this relationship may not be for them.  That’s okay !  People break up all the time and people are entitled to simply move on.  Just think of it has that relationship not being the one for you.  If they offer closure then great! If not then simply move on. 

Step 3: Understanding that we have the right to say NO if something is not in our best interest- Don’t fall for peer pressure.  Let your NO mean NO and your YES mean YES.  Just because you have a mental illness does not mean allow others to walk all over you.  Your strong and you can be assertive.

 Step 4: Recognizing that we have insight on unhealthy relationships and acting upon that knowledge- If you are in a relationship and some things are just not going right. Then speak up…. Don’t assume that others can read your mind.  Be vocal about your feelings, and concerns.  Communication in a relationship is crucial.  So, be sure not to just settle for things if you are not happy.  

Step 5: Sticking with it. Reinforcing our beliefs and acting consistently will help us to achieve our goals of being treated the way we want to be.

Smiling, when I’m not happy? 

I thought this was such an interesting topic, and something I truly hadn’t put that much thought into. I guess I just always thought it was a sort of maladaptive response to stress. But as it turns out, this odd response actually has a name. Inappropriate affect. Now affect itself is the way that we express externally how we are feeling internally. So by definition inappropriate affect is displaying emotion, behavior, and/or demeanor that is not appropriate for the event, situation, or thought that is occurring or being expressed. Meaning we may smile or even laugh when we talk about terrible or traumatizing things. Now there are many reasons we could struggle with inappropriate affect.

When things are not okay be sure to express that they are not okay.  Don’t just settle or smile through the pain.  Have conversations… OFTEN! 

SHOULD I TELL MY PARTNER?

The biggest question I get is should I tell my partner that I have a mental illness!

This is a huge question that I get because there are soooo…………..many misunderstandings surrounding mental illness that people don’t necessary feel comfortable telling anyone especially their partner. You may think you will be able to keep your mental illness a secret.  If you truly suffer from mental illness then the odds of you having a health crisis are pretty high.  The crisis or episode may not last very long but you can almost be certain that it will have some form of impact on how your partner perceives it.  Now to the actual question.  Should i tell my partner…… ?

Well that decision is solely up to you.  I believe that it is important to be honest  with whomever you decide to be in a relationship with. Many people tell their partners right away and others tell them after an episode. However, if you are ready to commit to a long term relationship then it would probably be a wise decision to share sooner than later. If you decide to tell your partner right away, be sure to dispel any beliefs that they may have about mental illness that aren’t true. There are so many misconceptions about mental illness we collectively have to educate those who are unaware. 

Just an FYI I know plenty of people with mental illness who have strong relationships.  Also, know that your partner likes you for a reason. They are already a shoe in and you just need to paint the picture for them. Be honest! You may have your mental illness completely under control or it may be a work in progress. Share with them how you handle your mental illness and most of all share your strengths. Also, include your concerns about sharing this information with them and fears you have surrounding it. You may think sharing your disability/illness will make you vulnerable!  I think it takes one of the strongest people in the world to share. 

Some people will respond that they don’t see you any different for sharing and your mental illness is not a big deal.

Another might say it may be too much to handle and they may want to end the relationship.

Another might say well i don’t know much about mental illness but teach me more about yours. 

There are plenty of responses that you may get 

WHAT IF MY PARTNER HAS A MENTAL ILLNESS AND I’M NOT SURE?

Many people may have a really hard time telling the difference between expected behaviors and what might be truly signs of mental illness unless your are a trained professional. Unfortunately, there is no magical test.  Every single illness has its own set of symptoms. NAMI has listed a few common symptoms that include what I have listed below (but are not limited to).

• Excessive worrying or fear
• Feeling excessively sad or low
• Confused thinking or problems concentrating and learning
• Extreme mood changes, including uncontrollable “highs” or feelings or euphoria
• Prolonged or strong feelings or irritability or anger
• Avoiding friends and social activities
• Difficulties understanding or relating to other people
• Changes in sleeping habits or feeling tired and low energy
• Changes in eating habits such as increased hunger or lack of appetite 
• Changes in sex drive
• Difficulty perceiving reality ( delusions or hallucinations, in which a person experiences and senses things that don’t exist in objective reality)
• Inability to perceive changes in one’s own feelings,behavior or personality ( “lack of insight” or anosognosia)
• Overuse of substances like alcohol or drugs
• Multiple physical ailments without obvious causes ( such as headaches, stomach aches, vague and ongoing “ aches and pains”)
• Thinking about suicide
• Inability to carry out daily activities or handle daily problems and stress 
• An intense fear of weight gain or concern with appearance

* source* https://www.nami.org

If you or someone you may know needs help you can reach out to the NAMI helpline  800-950-6264 .  If you are in a crisis you could also text NAMI to 741741

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(Mini Read Series)

What does your therapist really think of you!?

Many times before you consider seeing a therapist you might begin to feel a little skeptical because you are not sure if you want to go to therapy. You might think if i see this therapist, they are going to think i’m bat S*&% crazy.  

A few other things might come to mind as well like

1. My story will top everything that they could have possibly heard
2. You think you will be judged
3. You think they won’t really like you
4. You think they are thinking your stupid
5. You think they are thinking that this is free money.
6. Why am I even paying a person to tell me my issues in the first place?

 

Trust me this list can go on. I have heard many of the reasons for not wanting to go to receive treatment.

The truth is your therapist is a person, believe it or not….! Lol They have their own list of personal problems, and they are just trying to figure life out just like you.  They won’t always give you the response you want to hear, but with the proper trained therapist you should expect to  have a genuine response. 

The goal of the therapist is not to judge or to categorize someone but to understand that person as an individual so that he or she feels seen and heard. One of the most important tasks as a therapist is to see an individual for who they really are.  You shouldn’t be judged by your past. You should be looked at as the very person that you are while sitting in front of your therapist.  Deciding to receive treatment is a big deal. You’re allowing another person to share your very personal world. 

Your concerns are valid, and so are you.  You deserve to feel better, you deserve to find a clear vision for your path, you deserve to have some peace of mind. So, the next time you have the fear of being judged just know that your therapist is a person as well just like you.   Some people just need a little assistance. Think of it this way… If your groceries are too heavy to carry to the car, and the store clerk asks to assist, would you take the help? I think you would take the help and not worry much about being judged at the moment.  The store clerk isn’t going to say what a weak person, they are just going to help.

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Celebrating life means to be fully grateful for being exactly who you are. We often lose touch with the small things in life.  We forget to remain humble and give gratitude often.  It does not have to be a huge high of life in order to  celebrate.  The small things are just as important. COVID- 19 has motivated me more to celebrate right now more than anything. It has taught me that we can’t take things for granted and this life is one that is worth living to its full capacity no matter what situation that you are currently in. 

It’s time to put the small things in front of you and the sad things aside.

1. You’re not perfect! No one is, we are all just trying to figure it out.   There are plenty of things that may have gone wrong this week in your life. But if you’re reading this it’s apparent that you have found a few good things, and you are at least looking for some peace of mind. Celebrate the fact you are wise enough to overcome obstacles, and seek a little guidance when needed. Celebrate the good things that you accomplished this month. Was it cutting back on soda, and shedding a few lbs?  Even if it was 2 lbs, celebrate it! Like the quote says “The journey of a thousand miles starts with one single step”.

• Brag a little.  Many people hate to talk about themselves when things are going right! Let’s be realistic if you wanted to have a pity party the guest list would be full.  There always seems to be someone around when things are going great.  There’s another saying that goes … “People don’t mind if you are doing good as long as it is not better than them”  So, knowing that we may not always have the most positive group of friends we often downplay are awesome accomplishments. You may come across as if you are into yourself but that’s OKAY. Afterall, if we aren’t cheering for ourselves then who else needs to.

• Stop and smell the roses.  No… Like really stop what you’re doing and smell the closest flowers to you.  Inhale the scent, and live in that very moment. Think about something special and associate that flower to it. If you’re reading this at midnight then you can opt out of going outside and settle for some aroma therapy. I like to get a variety of scents, especially lavender before going to bed. Sometimes mere scents can remind you of something special. They have scents that smell like the ocean, cinnamon, and a plethora of others. You can great your own little Utopia.

• Print out a certificate for yourself.  I know that might sound a little corny….. but think about how you felt when you got your diploma or another reward. Think about a time when you were acknowledge and rewarded. You have to admit it’s a great feeling. We shouldn’t have to wait for someone else to recognize our greatness. We can do it ourselves! There are tons of free templates for just about any certificate that you’re looking for online.  Print it out and frame it or simply put it in a binder.  Many of us are visual people, and can easily self-motivate with a sense of reward. Who needs a reward system when you can have your own. 

• Learn something new.  In life we never stop learning.  Ways that I love to learn is by listening to audio books, reading, and writing a variety of things. Some of my favorite people to listen and read about are Les Brown , Lisa Nichols, and Brene Brown.  Overtime, I have learned to celebrate in different ways. I also have to admit that I totally skipped out on 2 of my graduations. Graduations are big accomplishments! Although I worked extremely hard to get them, and sacrificed much when it was time to graduate I realized something. I realized that it was my accomplishment, something that I had accomplished. It was equally rewarding and equally satisfying rather I went to my graduation or not. After all, I had been to a few of my own before.

BE SURE TO WIN THIS SUMMER!

1.They will still follow through with their plans made prior to COVID-19.

2. They will continue to learn something 

new.

3. They will become a boss babe.

4. They will encourage others to follow

through with their dreams.

5. They will implement a morning routine.

6. They will learn to meditate.

7. They will share knowledge with others.

8. They will practice self care

COVID-19 has all of us in a frenzy. We started to cancel things that we had looked forward to for so long. Don’t get me wrong our health is definitely a priority. We need to take care of ourselves and manage to find a balance between everything that is going on around us. It is important to remain focused and continue to learn more new things. Maybe you want to go back to school. Maybe your debating taking up a new trade! Do it!

Perhaps you wanted to start that blog or open that business. There are tons of things that you want to do in life don’t let these unprecedented times be a deterrent for you. Of course, we use are common sense. The economy is a little shaky at the moment so be sure to take this time to get your business in order and whenever you are ready. You will be ready to move forward.

Mornings are powerful! It is important to get up in the morning with a purpose. Every morning I wake up I give thanks to the most HIGH and then I make a plan to conquer the world. Now that hasn’t happened for me just yet but hey we all need something to look forward to.

Self-Care and Mediation…..

These two can really take your overall self-being to another place. Take time for yourself and for your body. You will thank me later.

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Negative thinking can take a toll on your body cause it can equate to what many would consider stress or anxiety.  There is a big difference between stress,anxiety, and negative thinking.  However, we will focus on negative thinking today.

Let’s say that you only believe you are deserving if you meet particular accomplishments or achievements. You may feel the constant need to do things in order to temporarily make yourself feel good. Think about how long those moments last for you.  Do you have instant gratification, are you on cloud 9 when things go right.  What about when they go wrong.. How long do you find yourself upset for?

A few things that may happen if you have negative thinking

Thought Rumination- Ruminating over one particular thinking or a few over and over. 

Always thinking the worst case scenario

Restless sleeping

Losing focus 

Self-Blaming

Self-Esteem issues

Depression

You might find yourself self-isolating from successful friends or family, and getting along better with those who may also have negative thinking. 

Think about your thinking patterns, but be honest with yourself. Are you often a negative thinker? Do you find yourself being more negative at things that happen in your own life, the life of others or even both?  Honesty goes a long when trying to repair your train of thought. So be truthful with yourself.  Your thoughts are safe with you.

Good news ! Overcoming these negative thoughts are repairable.  However, like anything else in life you have to practice.  I mean practice regularly.   Just think,you have years and years of these negative behaviors. Those thoughts are not just going to turn into positive ones overnight.  The very first thing that needs to happen is self-awareness. Know exactly where you stand with your beliefs. Ask yourself these questions to find out just how negative they are and who they affect.  If you have children you better believe that your negative thinking can also bounce right off you onto them.  

If your negative thinking is more closely related to anxiety, be kind to yourself.  No one asks to have a mental illness and it’s not your fault if you suffer from anxiety.  So, also know the difference in where your negative thinking is coming from.  It is coming from a long history of negative thinking, being around negative people in a toxic environment, or could it be stemmed from stress and anxiety. Once you realize where your negative thinking is stemmed from you will  have a much better way of how you should go about repairing it. 

One thing that is important for you to realize is to understand that you are deserving.  Just because you think negative doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. Trust yourself, you’ve done something right in life! Don’t discount all the things that you have done in life that made you proud of yourself.  Sure you may not be exactly where you want to be in life, it doesn’t mean just because you are not there that you will never get there. 

It would not surprise me if the people who you frequently gather with have shared their feelings about your behavior by now. Perhaps, they have shared with you that you’re negative or have shared their opinion with other people. They may have even begun to distance themselves from you. People who may have been a part of your biggest support system may no longer want to be around you.  We have to be careful not to run away people who mean us well in life. Do yourself a favor at some point when you’re ready to realize that you are truly a negative thinker, and  can actually say it outloud then share your belief.  Share your belief  to those who still decided to stick around. Ask them to hold you accountable for your negativity.  Trying to change your mindset will constantly require you to redirect your thoughts as soon as you become aware.   For example, if you say there is no point in me going to the grocery store cause they will be out of milk.  You might consider let me go to the store to see if they have my favorite milk back in stock. I can grab some other things while i’m there.  I am sure that your negative thinking will be in much more depth than just going to the store for milk.  However, something simple as that milk thought, just shows how even the simplest things might be affected by your thoughts. 

1. Redirect your thoughts! All of them, even the simplest ones. 
2. If you have a hard time redirecting your thoughts, validate your self belief.  If you say “ I am the biggest loser and I never do anything right, I am just stupid”  Validate it!  Break down the sentence.  Let’s rewrite it. 

Negative : I am the biggest loser, and I never do anything right, I am just stupid.

Positive :  I don’t always win but I have won before, I’m smart I can do it again. 

You will need to continue to dispute your beliefs and your cognitive distortions, and replace them all with more realistic positive ones. When you begin to confront your negative thinking you will begin to notice how many of those thoughts are so far from the truth.  Once you validate your negative  beliefs are not true, accept the new positive belief.  It would be unwise to constantly revisit those negative thoughts.  Remember to trust yourself.  You have been right before in the past.  

Then remember how much control do you really have over the outcome?  You have absolutely no control of how things turn out.  None of us do.  We put ourselves in positions to have things go the way that we want  but we no there are no guarantees.  We just have to trust that things will go right, we just have to believe that they will.

Learn more about manifestation and the laws of attraction if you want.  The laws of attractions say that even our idle thoughts have an impact on how things may turn out.

Are you in touch with your negative thinking?  

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Overthinking is linked to psychological problems, like depression and anxiety. It’s likely that overthinking causes mental health to decline and as your mental health declines, the more likely you are to overthink.

Overthinking, does not necessarily mean that you have a mental health diagnosis. However, it can mean that your process things differently than most people. Overthinking can be linked to anxiety and is something that can be treated with the proper treatment and coping skills. One of my favorite treatments to use for Anxiety is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Anxiety is a normal and often healthy emotion. However, when a person regularly feels disproportionate levels of anxiety, it might become a medical disorder. Anxiety disorders form a category of mental health diagnoses that lead to excessive nervousness, fear, apprehension, and worry.

1. Try to identify your triggers! What sets you off the most is it going to work, spending time with certain people, parents, a spouse?
2. Get plenty of sleep- try to start a bed time routine perhaps sleepy time tea or lavender bubble bath.
3. Limit your caffeine and alcohol intake. These two will be sure to help aggravate your overthinking.
4. Try meditation – Not sure how to mediate try guided meditation it tells you exactly what to do. There are tons of Youtube videos. My favorite is the mindfulness movement on Youtube. Start with 5 or 10 mins and gradually increase overtime.
5. Try Tai-Ci or Yoga – both are very relaxing and can be either vigorous or low impact
6. Invite a little humor into your life! Life doesn’t have to be so serious all the time.
7. Accept that you don’t have total control of the outcome. Sure we want all things to go our way but that’s just unrealistic.
8. Talk to someone! Talking to a therapist is not such a horrible thing find someone that you can relate to and it can be life changing. If your still not ready to see a therapist then share thoughts with a close friend.
9. Your enough…. Know that! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Instead of aiming for perfection, aim for the target that is right in front of you. Baby steps… There’s levels to this!
10. Try some deep breathing… I have heard some say that this is kind of corny but trust me it works inhale 8 seconds exhale 5 seconds.

A few facts about anxiety!

• National prevalence data indicate that nearly 40 million people in the United States (18%) experience an anxiety disorder in any given year. 
• Approximately 8% of children and teenagers experience an anxiety disorder with most people developing symptoms before age 21.
• Only about one-third of those suffering from an anxiety disorder receive treatment, even though the disorders are highly treatable.
• In addition, according to the World Health Organization (WHO), 1 in 13 globally suffers from anxiety. The WHO reports that anxiety disorders are the most common mental disorders worldwide with specific phobia, major depressive disorder and social phobia being the most common anxiety disorders.

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Will update on 6/9

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