Marriage….. what a beautiful thing it can be. It’s a time to reflect on your life and share the feelings you have for someone else with them. Marriage is a very selfless thing to do. You will devote a fraction of your life to aid in the happiness of another person. One important thing to remember, as you become one is that marriage is a full time job and you too must focus on yourself and your overall happiness as well. What exactly does that mean you ask? Well, look at it this way, you’re an individual and so is your spouse. You have basic needs, and your spouse has basic needs. This means that it is not mandatory that you do every single thing together. Sure they are your partner in crime, your sidekick, and your everything. It’s great to spend time with the one you love don’t get me wrong but it is important to realize that they need their own space. This doesn’t necessarily mean space from you but “space in general” you in this for a lifetime ! One of my most favorite couples is the Gottman’s. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have been married for over 33 years. They are one of the most influential couples that I have ever learned about. They both have studied exactly how marriage works and they have decades of experience. Together they founded the Gottman Institute and coined the Gottman Method Theory. Now I won’t bore you with a history lesson but their theory surrounds the belief that they aim to increase friendship and closeness in couples. They state that not all conflicts have a solution, but the theory is that you can learn to live with it and not allow it to destroy your relationship. They also focus on building a shared life together. I’ll list a few of my favorite books by them here.. There is also tons of content that you can find online by clicking here. ( Gottman institute ) However, if you don’t get a chance to look up anything else please review their The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
So, it looks like you’re thinking about getting married, and I am excited for you. If you’re still into the American dream then of course getting married is the right thing to do. There are plenty of reasons to get married and there are plenty of reasons why you shouldn’t get married. Today we will focus on the before We Get Married bucket list. You may think that I will go into this long drawn out list about things you just have to do. However, there isn’t one in my opinion. As a Marriage and Family Therapist I have spent many days thinking about the perfect solution to really make marriage last. I am talking about making it last like they used to last years ago. My belief is simple, if two people want something to work it simply will. It just takes two people to put someone else before they put themselves. Then you revisit and take care of yourself.
Let me explain, of course it may require that you do more for someone else than you may do for yourself if you get married. Isn’t that a part of being in a relationship anyway. I mean relationships are tough but if they are built on the right foundation then they can be very exciting. Take this scenario for instance, you have an argument instead of feeding into the argument you take a back seat allowing your spouse to vent ( putting them first) then you vent. Remember it takes no energy to let someone else be right in the moment. You validate their feelings and concerns let things cool down and then you revisit the conversation with a resolution in mind.
Now the list …..
- Because you just want the title- Sounds silly right ! Could you really imagine how many people really are all in just for the title of MRS…. Of course you’re deserving and you deserve to have your life long dream come true. Your one of a kind, and special I get it! You want your dream wedding! Magazines make it look great, the pictures, the gown, and the food. Let’s be honest your wedding is one day and you have the rest of your life to have that marriage you so longed for. You want it to be based on solid principles and values not for the title. Principles and values that you have created together in your unity.
- Because you feel alone. You probably think I’m crazy for this one! But seriously you don’t want to just be with any ole’ body just because you’re alone. Can you imagine going on a feeding frenzy to meet your husband. You may find him and he could easily be the one. Or he could be a total jerk that is not deserving of your presence. However, you were so lonely that you took the first one who took the bait. Set some standards and go from there. Now that long list of 50 must haves may need to be shortened to a more realistic one. Shortening your list doesn’t mean you can’t get what you want, it just means that you are being a little more flexible.
- You think you’re getting too old. We all wanted to be young brides at one point but sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way. Now if it is your dying wish to get married before a certain age, then I say go for it. However, if you think you’re not marriage material just because you’re getting older then you’re wrong my friend. They say patience comes to those who wait. I don’t mean wait forever, but you do want to put yourself in a position to meet a quality person to be with. If you think you’re getting too old I’d like to guess that you’re looking in the mirror saying some pretty awful things about yourself and how much of a failure you might be because marriage hasn’t happened for you yet. News flash your awesome don’t forget it. Besides, men can smell desperation from a mile away. You don’t want to fall into a trap. Check out that tyler perry move llllll for example.
- Because you’re expecting a baby. Riddle me this … Do you really think that having an unplanned pregnancy is going to truly want a man to ask for your hand in marriage. Honestly, ask yourself that question. However, again if you are in to do the “right thing” and is into tradition. then skip this number all together. I get that part too who wants to bring a child into this world with unwedded parents. But hey it happens and so do pregnancies. It won’t stop you for being the best parents that you can possibly be. Also, just think if this person was a one night stand how would that workout long term. 50/50 chance with that one. I think you get my drift.
- You want to be taken care of. Now if it has been your dream to be a stay at home mom and live off of your husband’s income then that’s perfectly fine don’t get me wrong. I mean who wouldn’t stay home if they had the option. Specific cultures believe in the man being the head of household and the woman taking care of the family. However, it’s 2020 and women are out in the workforce crushing their goals and working their way to the top on so many levels. If you’re not into that arena then head on over to pinterest and stay home and bake your little heart out.
- To prove your wifey material. Who are you trying to prove it too? Your friends who might be in a dead end marriage who question your every move? Or maybe because you’re the only person in your family who is not married. tsk tsk… You have nothing to prove!
- Cause you’re in love…….. i almost cringed writing this because people have to belief that I am absolutely insane for #7. I know you’re thinking what the heck is she talking about when people get married because they are in love. and you are right! but love is so subjective anyone can fall in love just as they fall out of love. Love and Lust can often go hand in hand especially to someone who has not quite figured themselves out yet. I believe that “like” is just like the word “love”. We all have a different definition of what love means.. find out what your true definition of what love means. Ask yourself if that person did lose some of those values would you still want to be married to them. Do you actually like this person enough to look over the things that may bother you.
- To solve your current relationship problems … Yup marriage ain’t gonna fix it. Trust me whatever was going on before will not be solved just by getting married. For example, if someone is unfaithful, their cheating behavior will not just go away cause your married.
- To solve your financial problems much like #8. You can think of marriage as a union but not a business decision. That could get pretty ugly without standards.
- Attachments theory
Make sure you’re loved. Learn how to keep the chemistry It’s one thing to be in love but it’s another to be loved. In this day in age, in a world of prenuptials and divorce it is discouraging to even think about getting married sometimes. The mere thought can give you an overwhelming sense of disbelief and discouragement. Well love is not dead nor is chivalry! So continue on planning and dreaming of your special day. Don’t let anyone tell your otherwise!
Knowing the key to his heart will give a clear understanding of what you need to do to be the perfect wife. “His secret Obsession” is a blueprint to his heart. This enjoyable read has helped thousands of women improve their relationships. Learn how to become completely irresistible here.
Now go plan your wedding….
Location Location Location… you have already heard that before plenty of times! And you are right. The location has to be absolutely perfect. Now don’t think that the location has to be expensive in order to be perfect. The location just needs to be perfect for you. How can you find the perfect location? Think about somewhere that you find your solace. Do you need it to be grand? Or do you need it to be coy and simple. The venue of course is not really for you it’s more for your fabulous guest. Anyhow, if your budget allows then great but don’t break the bank. Wouldn’t it make sense to splurge on your honeymoon. Could you splurge on a new home for you and your new king? People tend to overspend for the big day but ask yourself who is it for you or your guest.